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June 15, 2003
Diamondback
On the Great Plains near Denver lies a swath of dirt and concrete known as Buckley Air Force Base. For the time being, this is where I work. I was there recently taking measurements on a small shack so I can rebuild the roof, which collapsed during the great blizzard of Ought-3.
Approaching the building first, I jerked the right side of the double-door open and entered briskly examining the structure of the building. Jim, my trusty sidekick, followed me in, behind me and slightly to my left, and upon taking a step or two into the shack saw motion in his peripheral vision. About three nanoseconds later Jim's reptilian brain kicked in noting that (dark shed) + (rattling sound) + (motion in the eye's corner) = (get the fuck outta here). He let a yelp--something that sounded like "hamburger" to yours truly (It was almost lunch time). I quickly realized was actually, "ahh, rattler!" Oh Shit.
The snake was now coiled in the only doorway to this shack, hissing and rattling at me and my only companion was already halfway to Albuquerque. A fervid debate ensued immediately between my rational Homo Sapiens brain and my emotional Neanderthal brain.
Nea: Back the fuck up! Back the fuck up!
Sappy: Don’t listen to him, look where he got you last time. Make sure you look around to see if there are any more snakes in this room then slowly and calmly back out of striking range.
Nea: Back the fuck up! Back the fuck up!
Sappy: Ok. Remember: breathing = good, urinating = bad. Got it? Good.
Nea: Back the fuck up! Back the fuck up! AAAHH! What are you fucking stupid??
Sappy: Okay, now we have to think about how to get out of a one door shack by means other than the door.
Nea: YOU ARE ABOUT TO DIE YOU BLITHERING FOOL! LEAVE NOW!
Sappy: Two general choices come to mind: 1) egress by means other than the door or 2) get the snake away from the door.
Nea: [hard breathing]
Just then my sprinting friend shouted through the door, “What should I do, James?”
The only halfway intelligent sentence I could muster was, “make sure there aren’t more snakes outside the back window.”
“Okay.”
The debate continued.
Nea: Wait guys, I got it! I saw a movie once where this dude-
Sappy: Shut up. Movies aren’t real.
Sidekick: All good bro, no snakes out here.
Sappy: Okay. Find something to break out the back window.
Rattler: Ftttftftttftsttfttst!
Nea: Wait! You should see if the window is open.
Sappy: Sheds don’t have opening windows you twit.
Sidekick (leaning head through window) It’s open, dude.
I climbed out.
Nea: (condescendingly)…don’t have opening windows you twit. You think you’re soooo smart just ‘cause you that pies are squared and all that crap. Well, ya know what? I can spot a cute woman at 500 yards in .2 seconds while driving. Now who’s the smart one?
Sappy: [blink, blink]
Nea: That’s what I thought.
I spent the rest of the day recovering from having the shit scared out of me and reliving the moments to decide if the actions I took were the best possible ones. I eventually concluded that they were and, since I have plenty of free time, ran through slightly different scenarios so I’d be prepared next time. I wonder what movie Nea was talking about…
Posted by james at June 15, 2003 08:26 PM