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March 04, 2007
Chops
Today I was digging around from some bicycle chain oil and randomly found my old set of lock picks. For giggles, I pulled them out and tried them out on my front door to see how rusty I've become. It took nearly thirty seconds the first time, but when I repeated the feat for my wife, I picked the deadbolt in under five seconds. I'm proud to say, I still have the chops.
This little victory reminded me of a time in my life when my desire for future occupation was torn between being a Superspy and being an infamous cat burglaler/computer hacker. I often sought out ways in which I could learn the necessary skills which I perceived would be useful in those industries.
I studied martial arts, hung out with the local hacking club, learned to pick locks, scaled church walls in the middle of the night, studied poisons, and even learned how to parachute so I could make a dramatic and surreptitious entry.
As it turns out, I got lucky and karma has lead me toward the Superspy vocation and away from the international crime syndicate. But despite having given up the criminal behavior of my youth, I still find my mind perpetually searching for the hack.
When I worked security in a bank I spent a lot of time thinking about how one might break in; when I fixed ATMs, I planned (with no desire to actually carry it out, mind you) the theft of 1.4 million from the cash machines (I planned on escaping to Argentina); and now I think about how to break in to the building in which I work. I never had any intention of breaking into or stealing from these places but I can't help but think about how one would do it. I wonder if most people do this, or it is peculiar to certain personality types...
In any case, now that I've had some time to play spy and look into how international crime actually works I find that all the stuff I learned as a teenager would be virtually useless in "real" career in espionage or crime. CIA officers don't parachute--they bribe the janitor to open the door. Mafia bosses don't assasinate their rivals with secret poison (though the FSB apparently does), they hire some thugs to do a drive-by, or they blab to the US Attorney and get 'em locked up. It's just how it is.
Interestingly, though, the skill sets of spies and criminals turn out to be similar, just not so flashy. Patience, perception, persuasion--all skills of both criminal and spy. I think that someone good at one is very likely to be good at the other. Luckily for honest citizens, arms-trafficking doesn't come with dental.
So in the end the black-belt, the parachute wings, and the metal cataloge of places where hemlock grows wild have turned out to be more-or-less worthless. But something inside me still is sinfully proud that I still have the chops.
Posted by james at March 4, 2007 08:01 PM
Comments
We're proud of you too - you wanna-be criminal man.
[Editor's note:
This is me expressing MYSELF]
Posted by: Wifey at March 5, 2007 11:09 PM
Damn strong work, dude!
Should the need ever arise, you now know how to do both styles of high criminality (you're covering all the bases)!
Posted by: Adrian at March 24, 2007 02:06 PM